Korea

I hop on a plane tomorrow morning bound for Seoul. I will spend a month working at an English day camp then I am off to my former school in Busan to teach 2nd year high school boys (they only have 3 years of high school).

The teacher who replaced me two years ago and who I am going to replace this year has his own blog. I stole the following from him. Thanks Andrew!

I’ve been here for a couple of years and these are some of the things I’ve learned in no particular order:

1. Spinning a pen on a table is an exciting way to decide who has to do pretty much anything. I suggest we replace the draft system with a giant pen and table set up.

2. Anything that can’t be decided by spinning a pen can be figured out by rock, paper, scissors. This includes all matters of diplomacy. See there? I just solved most of the world’s problems in two strokes.

3. Badminton is not only tricky to spell, but it is not just for the drunk, mentally challenged, and elderly. People take it seriously, and you better too, unless you want to get knocked out by one of those birdie things.

4. The laws of science, ration, and logic do not apply to buses and subways. There is always room for more people.

5. As an addendum to #4; The Law of the Old Woman: if you are lucky enough to get a seat on a crowded bus or train, within two stops an old woman will appear at your shoulder, leaning over you close enough that you know what they had last night for dinner. If you do not get up they will breath heavily until you either get up or stangle yourself with your headphone cords.

6. There are two kinds of food: kimchi and not kimchi. If you are a foreigner and like kimchi there may be hope for you. If you don’t like kimchi you may as well leave Korea. In addition, if you do not have rice at a meal, you may as well not be eating.

7. After living their entire lives under the threat of nuclear holocaust, old Koreans are a tough bunch. The women are perhaps the most intimidating I’ve ever met. The 70 year old woman mixing cement on the side of the street would just as soon brain you with the shovel she’s using as look at you. The men can drink more soju than a Flordia State offensive lineman drinks Gatorade.

8. If you are on a motorbike you are in no way obligated to slow down for red lights, people on the sidewalk or in alleys, or cars on the other side of the road. Taxis are only required to slow. Crosswalks may look enticing, but are road hazards and are to be ignored at all times.

9. When walking, do not expect the person blocking your way to move. You move.

10. Make sure never to make eye contact with anyone.

11. Conversely, whenever confronted with a shiny object make sure your clothes, hair, and make-up are just right. Be careful though; making eye contact with yourself creates a vortex strong enough to reverse the pull of a black hole, and would thusly destroy us all.

12. Garbage cans are not necessary. Please, place your trash on the street and someone will collect it in due time. If they don’t, I’m sure someone else will.

13. Planning and forewarning is no replacement for telling someone something at the last minute and expecting them to be grateful, and prepared.

14. Fashion is a completely subjective term. Please, feel free to combine vertical and horizontal stripes, as many plaids or floral prints as possible, and if something can be made shiny or sparkling, I say go for it.

15. There is no better way for a couple to show their solidarity than to walk around dressed in the same clothes, with their hands in eachother’s back pockets.

16. Hiking up and down rocks in three inch heels is easy, you sissy.

17. Two Parts:

If you see children on the street, they will either: A. Stare unabashedly B. Giggle, and point C. Run up to you and spout out as much broken English as they can muster as quickly as possible, after which they will stand with a blank expression on their face, as though they were not in control of their body.

If said child opts for “C.” the best response is to ask, as quickly as possible, “How much wood would a woodchuck chuck, if a woodchuck could chuck wood?” Ask this with as much angst and emotion as possible. Repeat as many times as necessary for the child to run away with blood running from their ears.

18. Dogs are food and cats are evil.

19. It’s completely normal for men to hold hands, play with each other’s hair, and cuddle.

20. The Japanese are evil and Korea is #1.

21. It’s perfectly acceptable to smoke anywhere I want, puke and urinate in public, hack up phlegm as loudly as possible, drop trash where ever I want, run red lights, cut lines, and bump into people while walking. However, crossing the street without the assistance of the crosswalk and light makes people extremely uncomfortable.